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Bulยญlyยญing is an issue that is likeยญly to affect every child, includยญing yours. It is an ugly feaยญture of growยญing up and can take many forms. It can also cause enorยญmous stress to parยญents as well as to the child vicยญtims and can lead to disยญasยญtrous consequences.

As a result, knowยญing how to idenยญtiยญfy bulยญlyยญing, how to approach your child and how to deal with the probยญlem is an enorยญmousยญly useยญful tool for any parยญent to posยญsess. Bulยญlyยญing can be dealt with and preยญventยญed, and your child can move on from the expeยญriยญence to live a hapยญpy and fulยญfillยญing life.

Parยญents first need to recยญogยญnize that their child is likeยญly to be bulยญlied. Think back to your childยญhood and adoยญlesยญcence and rememยญber the way that othยญer chilยญdren treatยญed you. Some of these actions could be classed as harmยญless banยญter or light-heartยญed teasยญing. Othยญer actions, howยญevยญer, were acts of bullying.

What is bullying?

Bullying in kids l kids bullying l parent guide to bullying

Bulยญlyยญing is a series of actions that are delibยญerยญate, repeatยญed and occur withยญin a powยญer imbalยญance. The bulยญlyยญing can be physยญiยญcal, menยญtal or emoยญtionยญal, it can hapยญpen in the real world or online, and it can be perยญpeยญtratยญed by anyยญone who has any form of powยญer over the victim.

Physยญiยญcal bulยญlyยญing includes pokยญing, hitยญting, kickยญing, pushยญing and beatยญing up. Verยญbal bulยญlyยญing encomยญpassยญes yelling, tauntยญing, name-callยญing, insultยญing and threats, while relaยญtionยญal bulยญlyยญing refers to excludยญing, spreadยญing rumours and getยญting othยญers to hurt someone.

Cyberbullying

Cyberยญbulยญlyยญing is bulยญlyยญing that occurs online and is parยญticยญuยญlarยญly prevaยญlent on social media platยญforms where so many chilยญdren now spend so much of their time.

How do I know my child is being bullied?

Bullying in kids l kids bullying l parent guide to bullying

Bulยญlyยญing can be chalยญlengยญing to idenยญtiยญfy firstยญly because that is exactยญly what the vicยญtims want. They donโ€™t want anyยญone to know they are being bulยญlied, because they feel bad about it, and because they fear that if anyยญone chalยญlenges the bulยญly, it will only make the treatยญment worse. Furยญtherยญmore, bulยญlyยญing often hurts on the inside, so there are no cuts or bruises.

In the case of cyberยญbulยญlyยญing, it is extremeยญly difยญfiยญcult for parยญents, teachยญers or othยญer adults to know that a child is being bulยญlied because chilยญdren retreat to cyberยญspace to escape from adults.

Signs that your child is being bullied include:

  • Physยญiยญcal scars, bruisยญes, cuts, scratchยญes or even severe injuries. These can include injuries from self-harm.
  • Withยญdrawยญal โ€“ chilยญdren no longer engage in conยญverยญsaยญtion, disยญplay less emoยญtion, do not want to join in usuยญal activities.
  • Mood swings โ€“ vicยญtims feel angry and may release their anger and frusยญtraยญtion in ranยญdom sitยญuยญaยญtions. They may also cry more often or use bad lanยญguage uncharacteristically.
  • He or she refusยญes to go to school or wants to change classยญes or opt-out of cerยญtain activยญiยญties. Conยญverseยญly, they do not want to walk or catch the bus to school.
  • Losยญes their appetite, or seems hunยญgriยญer after school because someยญone is takยญing their lunch.
  • Closยญes up when you try to disยญcuss school or othยญer perยญsonยญal issues.
  • Goes to the clinยญic at school or uses othยญer methยญods to avoid going to class.
  • Their acaยญdยญeยญmยญic perยญforยญmance drops, and they lose interยญest in school work.

Victim or bully?

  • As much as you may not want to admit it, there is a chance your child could be the bulยญly, and these signs may indiยญcate that this is the case:
  • Your child disยญplays a lack of empaยญthy and always needs to be in control.
  • They have underยญdeยญvelยญoped social and interยญperยญsonยญal skills and seem to gain pleaยญsure from seeยญing othยญers suffer.
  • They attack before othยญers can attack.
  • A parยญent, sibยญling or peer has bulยญlied them.
  • They show conยญtempt for chilยญdren who are difยญferยญent and refuse to assoยญciate with cerยญtain children.
  • Perยญsist with ugly behavยญiour, even after admonition.
  • They are very conยญscious of being popยญuยญlar and taunt or tease othยญer children.
  • They enjoy regยญuยญlar vioยญlent video games and hurt animals.
  • Finalยญly, a bulยญly can be idenยญtiยญfied if they are copyยญing the bulยญlyยญing behavยญiour of someยญone else.

Boys and girls

Bullying in kids l kids bullying l parent guide to bullying

Is bulยญlyยญing difยญferยญent for boys and girls? The research, and the tales from vicยญtims themยญselves, would indiยญcate that this is true.

Genยญerยญalยญly, girls report that bulยญlyยญing includes social isoยญlaยญtion, name-callยญing, critยญiยญcism of their physique and/or dress sense. Excludยญing one girl from a social group is a comยญmon form of bulยญlyยญing among girls.

Boys, on the othยญer hand, are more likeยญly to be bulยญlied physยญiยญcalยญly. Bigยญger, stronger and more assertive boys will use their supeยญriยญor physยญiยญcal strength to domยญiยญnate their vicยญtim. Boys will also use name-callยญing, and it is still comยญmon for boys to be bulยญlied through the quesยญtionยญing of their sexuality.

Of course, boys and girls can both sufยญfer from any form of bullying.

How do I start the conversation?

Be proactive.

Talk to your child about the issue before it occurs (and hopeยญfulยญly, it nevยญer will) Research childrenโ€™s books of all ages which deal with the topยญic, and access othยญer resources online, through local libraries or schools.

Underยญstand your childโ€™s rights and their right to be free from bulยญlyยญing, and arm yourยญself with this knowlยญedge, espeยญcialยญly if your child is more prone to bulยญlyยญing because of their race, physยญiยญcal abilยญiยญty, sexยญuยญalยญiยญty, reliยญgion, genยญder or physยญiยญcal appearance.

How should I treat the bully?

The folยญlowยญing steps can be used with the bulยญly, even if your child is the bully:

  • Talk about what happened.
  • Show the child that their actions are wrong.
  • Creยญate opporยญtuยญniยญties for the bulยญly to do good.
  • Teach social and friendยญship skills.
  • Occuยญpy the childโ€™s time conยญstrucยญtiveยญly and limยญit or remove opporยญtuยญniยญties for them to engage with destrucยญtive conยญtent online. This includes limยญitยญing their screen time.
  • Make the child take ownยญerยญship of the probยญlem and do not allow shiftยญing of blame.
  • Have the child find a way to solve the probยญlem they created.

How can I help my child?

  • Limยญit their screen time.
  • Also, ask yourยญself, does my child need a smartphone?
  • If they need a phone for emerยญgency conยญtact and safeยญty, would a handยญheld phone sufยญfice? Most techยญnolยญoยญgy-based probยญlems, includยญing cyber-bulยญlyยญing, occur when chilยญdren conยญnect to the interยญnet. They can still phone and text with a handยญheld phone.
  • Instill in your child healthy self-esteem. Creยญate opporยญtuยญniยญties for them to chalยญlenge themยญselves and sucยญceed, and nurยญture their talents.
  • Coach your child on posยญiยญtive self-talk.
  • Offer speยญcifยญic phrasยญes and teach chilยญdren to learn from their mistakes.
  • Talk about, modยญel and roleยญplay friendยญship skills.

How can I prevent my child from being bullied?

Ideยญalยญly, you would like to ensure that your child is nevยญer bulยญlied again. Youโ€™ve seen the side effects of bulยญlyยญing, and you donโ€™t want your loved one to go through this expeยญriยญence again.

Create an identity.

Aaron says he was bulยญlied at school. He recounts his experience:

โ€œI was bulยญlied, but not severeยญly. It made me feel bad about myself and bad about the world but not as bad as some othยญer vicยญtims of bullying.โ€

โ€œI went to an all-boys school, where rough sports and physยญiยญcalยญiยญty were imporยญtant. I was fairยญly skinยญny and very, very shy, so it was easy for othยญer boys to pick on me. The bulยญlyยญing made me feel powยญerยญless and ruined my self-esteem, and Iโ€™m sure it affectยญed my grades.โ€

โ€œIn the first few years of high school, the bulยญlyยญing was physยญiยญcal. Many boys would physยญiยญcalยญly pick on me to prove their own strength and improve their staยญtus; I was an easy target.โ€

โ€œThis began to change in the last three years of high school.โ€

โ€œIt changed because I creยญatยญed an idenยญtiยญty. I worked hard at sport (long-disยญtance runยญning), and I won a few races for the school โ€“ rep sport was a big deal at the school. I also got involved in some othยญer extra-curยญricยญuยญlar activยญiยญties, and I made friends across difยญferยญent social groups. More imporยญtantยญly, though, I became known as โ€˜Aaron the runยญner.โ€™ If anyยญone menยญtioned my name, boys would reply;

โ€œHeโ€™s the runยญnerโ€ or โ€œThe White Kenyanโ€ or refers to the name of a famous runยญner of the time. I was perยญfectยญly hapยญpy with that.โ€

โ€œThe punchยญing and pushยญing stopped. Iโ€™d earned some respect. I was still shy and quiยญet, but I am cerยญtain that a lot of the bulยญlyยญing stopped because I had creยญatยญed an idenยญtiยญty for myself.โ€

In Aaronโ€™s case, he creยญatยญed an idenยญtiยญty, improved his self-esteem and made himยญself a hardยญer tarยญget for the bulยญlies at his school.

Experts also sugยญgest trainยญing your child to be assertive, includยญing through role play. Encourยญage them to nomยญiยญnate teachยญers or friends they can turn to if being bulยญlied. Remind your child not to bulยญly back, to avoid showยญing the bulยญly any signs that they have sucยญceedยญed. Also, walk away and try to avoid being alone.

Finalยญly, seek proยญfesยญsionยญal help before bulยญlyยญing domยญiยญnates your childโ€™s life.

Last but not least

Bulยญlyยญing is an unforยญtuยญnate realยญiยญty for many chilยญdren, but it can be stopped. Teach your chilยญdren how to avoid, cope with and report bulยญlyยญing, and seek proยญfesยญsionยญal help to ensure that bulยญlyยญing does not preยญvent your child from livยญing a full and prosยญperยญous life!

 

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